red flags: muslim men edition

a compilation of red flags in certain Muslim men to help sisters make informed and intentional marriage choices

Disclaimer: This piece is intended to complement the article linked at the end. Kindly read both! :)

---

islamic

🚩 doesn’t pray or read the Qur’an

This point isn’t about brothers who struggle with their faith or are still learning. This is about the men who don’t pray their salah or only do so irregularly, and those who rarely touch the Qur’an. That neglect speaks to something deeper.

It’s important to ask: how can a man show up as a good husband if he ignores the rights of his Creator? How can he be a source of righteous companionship if he neglects the basic obligations of his faith?

🚩 knows his rights as a husband, but not yours

It’s one thing to be unfamiliar with the rights and responsibilities within marriage. That’s common. But it’s a red flag when a man demands his rights while ignoring his obligations. I’ve seen this happen too often—and experienced it myself before getting married. Make sure you’re informed about your rights as a wife, as well as his! An informed woman is a secure woman.

🚩 engages in haram regularly: smoking, free-mixing, drinking

We are strangely far more lenient with men and their sins. Remember, if he regularly engages in haram, he will not stop just because of you. If he says he will, he’s probably lying. Every sin is committed knowingly, with full awareness that Allah sees him. A man who puts your opinion above Allah’s is not someone you should trust with your heart.

---

behavioral & emotional

🚩 displays controlling behaviour

If I could gather every Muslimah and say this to her, I would: Be careful of the man who wants full control. It can start with little things—criticizing your personality, friends, or your hobbies—all under the guise of “advice.” I wish this weren’t common, but it is. And I’ve seen it countless times. It never ends well.

(My husband and I wrote a blog post about this together. You can read it here.

🚩 addicted to pornography / doesn’t lower his gaze

Porn addiction is widespread, and it has warped how many men view women. The unrealistic expectations they desire from women are often pulled from this content. These men chase “good” sisters, hoping marriage will cure their addiction, but it almost never works. If he can't lower his gaze before marriage, you won’t be the exception after. You cannot fix him!

🚩 lacks communication skills and has anger issues

I’m not talking about men who struggle to express themselves. I’m talking about those who refuse to. Men who let anger rule them instead of taking the time to cool down. Men who argue to win, not to understand.

Communication is a joint effort. We need whole, emotionally capable men who want to grow—not struggling ones who expect you to be their peace while offering none in return.

🚩 cannot take care of himself

This might be one of the most overlooked red flags. Many brothers haven’t a clue how to cook, clean, or run a washing machine. It might seem small, but his lack of ability will quickly become your responsibility. And if you’re okay with that, know that in times of sickness, pain and fatigue, he won't have the skills to step in.

Let’s we normalize asking suitors if they know how to do basic household tasks.

---

psychological

🚩 lacks emotional intelligence

Oxford defines emotional intelligence as the capacity to be aware of, control, and express emotions, and to handle relationships with empathy and care.

A man without it may emotionally manipulate you, lie to you, and raise your stress levels until it impacts your mental and physical health. You won’t feel safe or understood. Much of marriage is reliant on empathy, being able to support each other even when it’s inconvenient. A compassionate eye can make all the difference in sustaining peace.

🚩 has narcissistic traits

I’ve seen what a narcissistic man can do to the women who love him, and it’s devastating. Being Muslim doesn’t make a man immune to narcissism, no matter how religious he seems.

“Relationships with narcissists are held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.” — Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Please take time to learn what narcissism looks like. Learn the early signs and the toll it can take. I wish someone had told me earlier—so I’m telling you now.

🚩 cannot define or recognize abuse

Before I met my husband, I was in a talking stage with a brother and asked him a simple question: Can you briefly define emotional, mental, and physical abuse?

He told me I sounded like a teacher. Later, he revealed how emotionally manipulative he truly was. Another brother laughed at the same question. A few years later, he was outed as an abuser.

That question tends to strike a nerve with the very people it applies to, but it’s important to ask. Perhaps what someone considers “normal” may actually be abuse! When I asked my husband this question five years ago, he answered with ease and precision, and that told me everything I needed to know.

---

to conclude

The red flags I’ve mentioned don’t exist in a vacuum. They stem from deeply rooted cultural norms, particularly in the way many Muslim boys are raised.

In the process of supporting Muslims get married/separated, I’ve been witness to a lot of toxic behaviour from certain archetypes. Men who appear God-fearing yet behave likes tyrants behind closed doors. If I can use my writing to warn even one sister, I will, because an informed woman is harder to mislead.

This was written with love and with the sincere hope that it helps you in finding a safe and loving partner. And of course, we sisters are not perfect either. If you can relate to any flags mentioned, take it as an opportunity to change, insha’Allah.

to read next:

If you’d like to have full access to all my articles as well as support my work, you can become a paid subscriber below!